We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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