1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I could make wine with my vomit
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
