So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
