You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
