I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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