how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i wish my penis had a tongue
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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