The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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