I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
