She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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