her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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