Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
