no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
