You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
