I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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