i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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