I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
