I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
