this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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