Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
