Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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