Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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