i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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