What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
