im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
