After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
