my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
