Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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