please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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