Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
