you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Randomize
