Kiss
Puke
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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