trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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