Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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