honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
