I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
