Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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