do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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