We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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