Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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