Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
