She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
