after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
