Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
