i was born a porn star she said
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
