Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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