Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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