saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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