I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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