Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
