If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
