I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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