Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
