My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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